Day 80: Building Trust in your own Body

Trust is a funny thing. It can take years to truly build it up. Just a moment to destroy it.

For years I didn't trust my body. I didn't believe it could do the things that it's actually capable of doing. My health was so poor that I just didn't trust myself to get over-exerted. I think some of this fear can be related to people, who like me, who have suffered panic attacks before. If you've ever been through that, you don't want to do ANYTHING that makes you feel that way again. An experience that exerts your body so forcefully, so angrily, without your permission. It's a horrible feeling.

When I look back at the few months I spent working out in a gym a few years ago I now realize that one of the reasons it didn't "work" for me, was because I didn't trust my body. My trainer tried to force me to trust my body, but that just doesn't work. She knew my body could do more than I was allowing myself too, but no one can just make you have that trust. You have to learn to trust your body.

It's been 80 days since I started walking back in August. I started by walking every day of the week, but as the weather has changed and my 8-5 has become more challenging, I now average about 4 days a week. I generally walk between 2-3 miles just depending on how I feel. Some days I try to power walk and do it as quickly as I can, to help me train for upcoming 5K's. Other days however,  I just want to enjoy the walk, feel the air against my face, and watch the changing of the seasons.

What I didn't realize was slowly happening over these past 80 days was that I was building endurance and learning to trust my body. I am a creature of habit and change does not come easy for me. "Change" for me (for the most part) works best in small, manageable stages. Trust, apparently, can happen the same way. Little by little, step by step.

It wasn't until Michael and I participated in the media day at Cherry Point that I realized just how much stronger my body had become. The day was very physical from just being in a hurry going from one place to the next, to climbing up into a very small, tight helicopter space, to practically running up and down many, many flights of steps on the USS Kearsarge.

When the day was over and Michael and I were finally getting a bite to eat for dinner, it dawned on me how much I did that day. How I completely trusted my body to perform without even thinking about it. That would not have happened 3 months ago. And truly, I would not have been able to do it well. I was not in the mental or physical shape to do those activities without a second thought.

But when we signed up to do this event, it never even dawned on me how physically challenging the day would be, and that very fact... that I didn't even THINK about it... was a huge accomplishment in itself.

When you don't trust your body, you think about every single activity beforehand... from just heading to the grocery store, to driving your car, to your route from the parking lot to your office, to planning vacations around simple, easy activities with no steps, etc... You think about every physical activity your body can handle. Everything. Sometimes not even consciously, you just automatically find an easier way to work around a situation. And hear me out on this... This is NOT necessarily a bad thing, we have to be able to know what we can and cannot do physically and emotionally... but when you don't trust your body, you aren't often willing to test the limits of what your body can actually do. There's a fine line between real ability and challenging yourself to gain strength and endurance.

In the past I've been a big fan of shows like "The Biggest Loser" and "Extreme Makeover," but what those shows don't tell you is weight loss and regaining health is about so much more than just losing weight and having an exercise routine.

It's about slowly taking the time to trust your body, it's about slowly, SLOWLY changing your mindset towards food, (and much more importantly) towards how you deal with difficult situations, and how you handle life each and every day. This kind of change just doesn't happen overnight.

To change your weight permanently, means changing your entire frame-of-reference in terms of how you comfort yourself, how you handle stress, and how you face challenges. It means truly changing how you think, how to handle your feelings, and how you live every day.

• Which is why diets in general don't work.

• Which is why extreme makeovers rarely last. 

• And why shows like "The Biggest Loser" often do not result in lifelong change. 

Real change takes a lot of time... not just weeks or even months...it can take years. This means it takes a lot of patience as well. True patience in your whole-self, not just your physical body. Real change means learning how to safely build trust in your body and eventually being able to accept new physical and mental challenges.

In a nutshell, it means other people can't force us to change or to trust our bodies. (At least in my personal experience!) Learning to trust your body enough to test it's limits and build endurance takes TIME. It also takes practice and the willingness to keep going... little by little... step by step!

Return of the Gym Hamster -- Home Edition

Gym Hamster's been gone a while.

Not gone really, but working on a cookbook, focusing on self-care, and learning how to better communicate my thoughts and feelings. And honestly the gym was not missed. However, I know I need to begin to concentrate again on my physical fitness.

This time I want to stick with what I know. What I generally enjoy once I get into the habit of exercise. With what has worked in the past. For me: that's walking videos, strength training with my husband, and finding activities at home and on the go that will incorporate more movement.

Today was the first day back to more movement. My doctor told me to start today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Take 15 minutes and start today. I love my doctor. Instead of making me feel bad for gaining back weight I had lost, he told me he knew I was motivated enough to try again. He believed in me. He made it clear to set small goals, start slowly, let it become a habit.

It's amazing how just having someone you respect believe in you can be so incredibly motivating.

So I started today. For 15 minutes. Anybody can do 15 minutes. A walk around our neighborhood. Here's the breakdown:

• 1 minute before walk: Honey, I so do not want to walk. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I do NOT want to walk. But please walk with me. I do NOT want to walk. I do not want to walk. I do NOT want to walk. 
• 30 seconds in: I hate walking. I am three years old and I do NOT want to do this. I will kick a rock.
• 2 minutes in: My legs feel so heavy. I hate walking. *Sigh* sigh* sigh* 
• 5 minutes in: My legs still feel heavy. I am still frustrated and I don't want to do this. Why can't our bodies be self-regulating? 
• 7 minutes in: Now paying attention to lighthearted conversation with hubs. It's good to connect with him. I guess we can do one more lap. 
• 10 minutes in: Legs don't feel quite so heavy anymore. Kind of tingly, but not in a bad way. Like I've moved. This is good. Okay, maybe walking isn't so bad. 
• 12 minutes in: I really don't want to admit by this point I'm enjoying this walk. 
• 15 minutes in: Done. Completed. Okay, so once I got warmed up it wasn't so bad. We'll do it again tomorrow, even if I have to drag myself out of the house. Getting started is the hardest part right? Even when it's getting started again... 

Gym Hamster - Week 9 Update - Lifestyle Changes

It's week 9 at the gym and that's no April Fool! My workout is pretty routine now. I rotate equipment every day I go so that work outs aren't completely the same... but I'm also interested in trying some classes now!

I've noticed when I work out at home with "Leslie" I often push myself harder than I would at the gym because she encourages me to do so. And sometimes all we need is a little push!  So next week I want to try one or two classes at the gym and see what they "feel" like, I really want to be challenged.

Weight loss for me has been slow but steady. As much as I would like to lose weight more quickly I feel like this is the first time in my life I'm truly understanding what it means to eat healthily for my body for LIFE. That this change will have to be lifelong. It can't just stop once I've lost the weight I need to lose.

When I lost weight "the first time" in my adult life, it was just before I got married. And it wasn't because I was getting married... we had super quick engagement and decided in two months to plan a wedding and get married... because we roll like that. (lol since Sally thought "shot gun" seemed inappropriate since babies weren't involved!)  But previous to those decisions I lost fifty pounds.

I lost weight initially by using the Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds videos (and they were literally VIDEOS back then! lol), then joining Curves and meticulously watching what I ate. I used several methods to keep track of my food. I used a "Food Mover"  from Richard Simmons... I attempted Weight Watchers... several times... I cut out ALL carbs for a few weeks (that didn't last long)... I don't remember everything I did... but it was never consistent. I never learned how to make healthy eating (or exercising) a LIFESTYLE. 

And that's what is different this go around. I lost weight quickly five years ago... but I didn't do it in the right way. And it didn't "stick."

On this journey, I want it to "stick." I want working out just to be a part of life, not something I do to lose weight. I want healthy meals and keeping portions in check to be part of every day... not just for a few months "this time."

So really today, it's just about realizing this is life. I've never going to be someone who can eat "anything they want" and be healthy. It just doesn't work for my body that way. But it doesn't mean I can't have a cupcake when I want one. It means to simply have ONE, be mindful of eating it, and remember that it's not something to be eaten every day. But it doesn't mean I have to cut it out completely as I did in the past. That wasn't healthy either.

What is something that's simply part of a healthier lifestyle for you today? Something not necessarily about weight loss, but just something that you know you have to do to be healthier forever?

Gym Hamster - Week 8 Update

Bad to the Bone!

THIS is a cool hamster!! :-)

It's week 8 at the gym. That's hard for me to believe. It seems like more of a habit now than something I'm forced to go too! I'm proud that I've made it 3 times this week and I'm going again after work today!

One thing that stands out to me this week is I'm starting to gain some confidence in myself and my abilities. On days that I cardio alone, I do a full 60 minutes. I started with 20 minutes!

I'm pushing myself harder, I'm trying more activities, and I look forward to the gym (well, most days anyway! )

My attitude is better than it has been in years. I've lost 12 pounds since January 1... it's slow progress, but I'm okay with that. I hope that slow progress means permanent progress!

The past few weeks I've also had the help of nutritionist Cheryl Harris. She's been coaching me each week on the positive progress I've made and focusing on challenging areas I can work on. This week we talked about mindless eating. She recommended reading "Mindless Eating" by Brian Wansink. Amazingly with Amazon Prime my copy came in one day, so I've started reading. So far the book has started talking about the "cues" that we don't think about that can encourage us to eat more without thinking about it: a larger plate or container, a fancy label, other people eating/drinking around us, etc... It's been a really interesting read so far and it's really making me think about why I eat more than I should at times.

And you. Thank you for reading these updates. I know recipes have been few & far between lately and I really appreciate all your support in this journey I'm making. I know eventually I'll be able to make time again to focus on baking and creating recipes... but I so appreciate your patience as I figure this healthy living lifestyle out! Knowing I have a huge group of cheerleaders behind me is huge and makes a world of difference.

I appreciate you!

Gym Hamster: Week 6 - Learning to Breathe

I love this little contemplative hamster! Life has been challenging this week. I've made it to the gym... but stress hit an all time high on Tuesday. I had to deal with a family crisis. In the past I'm not sure I would have been bold enough to share about this publicly... but we all need to share our struggles. While details can still be private... it's important to know we aren't the only ones who deal with very hard and very personal family challenges. Alcoholism is a silent disease that is all too often ignored or avoided. It's time to stop avoiding the issues and face the problems that alcohol can cause.

Alcoholism has deep roots in my family. It's the reason I hate the smell of beer or liquor on anyone's breath. It's the reason I get nervous around anybody who's drinking. Alcoholism can tear families apart. It causes unnecessary worry, stress, and health problems. Even (maybe especially) when you're not the one drinking. It's like a cancer that just will not go away... It's especially hard when it effects the people closest to you. It's hard not to blame. It's hard not to be angry. It's hard not to want to shake sense into somebody... even though you know that's not really possible. It's hard to realize sometimes people are absolutely responsible for their own actions and they have to learn how to deal with the consequences. It's hard to realize that sometimes people do not want to change. And as much as you want to help them and as much as you wish things were different... you have to deal with life as it is and always hope for the best.

The crisis hit Tuesday night. We were supposed to head over to a GF support group meeting, but it was disrupted. I spent a good part of that evening on the phone with family members until I knew things were okay for the moment. Often incidences like this can move me into a panic attack. While I'm in the midst of the situation I can be calm, controlled, and directive... but once the wind has blown and settled... the panic can set in. The anger, the frustrations, the sadness, it all can just come to a head...and all those emotions balled up into one can result in some serious emotional eating. That's my alcohol... the food.

But with the help of my husband... I took a different approach that night. I did eat a few chips (it was 9 -I counted! lol) for some crunch action. Then I stopped and thought about what I could do to immediately help myself deal with the situation. My husband made me a cup of hot tea sweetened with honey... and I pulled out the laptop and went online to a wonderful site called "Step Chat" which is an amazing site that provides free, online "AA" and "Al-Anon" meetings. These meetings are held in online chatrooms, but they are run by volunteers in a very, very professional manner and it was exactly what I needed. By God's amazing timing there was a meeting just a few minutes after I logged onto the site. I felt such an immense sense of relief after sharing my story with the support group that I just felt the frustrations and stress simply release away. If you know me well you know I'm a very private person... it's hard for me to share such deeply personal things... but I wanted to share this with you because it was so healing for me. I will continue to attend these online meetings several times a week if I can.

I was proud of myself for not immediately turning to food. I was proud of myself for being willing to deal with the situation right then and there and not ignore it. I was proud of being able to be strong enough to cry and know it was okay. I know that's a huge step for me... and I'm thankful for friends who have been brutally honest with me about getting help with my emotional struggles.

So I've done a lot of breathing this week. A lot of listening to my body. In a way I'm thankful for the crisis that happened this week. Sometimes we don't know how strong we can truly be until we are put to the test and have the patience, strength, and faith to get through it. Breathe.

It's been a great week at the gym. While I don't officially have a weigh in until Saturday I know I'm down at least a pound this week! A WHOLE pound! I was really stalling there for a few weeks so to see that kind of progress is incredibly encouraging and invigorating.

I've also turned to exercise this week not only to get healthy, but to get serious stress relief. Punching it with every step on the treadmill, every turn of the recumbent bike, every knee lift with the ark trainer I dealt with some serious issues on those machines. And I'm thankful. And I still deeply love my family despite the struggles.

I'm breathing.  I'm blessed and I AM STRONG.

Gym Hamster - Week 5 Update

It totally cracks me up looking for hamster pictures for this series! If you have a hamster and want to share a picture of your pet, please send them to me!

So this is my 5th week hitting the gym... I'm slowly increasing my activity from 30 minutes to 45-60 minutes of cardio 3-4x a week. I am trying to work in my strength training routine at least twice a week. I'm beginning to challenge myself a little bit more each time I go to the gym with cardio. I jogged for the first time on the treadmill yesterday. It was only in one minute increments, but i did it. It's slow... but I know we'll get there.

My frustrations this week lie not in the gym routine... but in my eating. It is SO easy to revert to mindless eating. I've realized it's literally going to take months to make a "permanent" change in my eating habits. A few moments of weakness can can really hurt the scales at the end of the week. My "trigger" foods are chips and chocolate, and just eating too much of them... usually mindlessly.

For instance on Tuesday night I got home after the gym, I was starving and over the weekend on a trip I bought a bag of gluten free pretzels. (A purchase don't make often, because I know the consequences!) While standing in the kitchen chatting with hubs, having our daily catch up, I munched 2-3 servings of pretzels without even thinking about it. Then after that I munched on some lunch meat that I was preparing for a salad. Then I munched on a few gluten free cookies (agreeing to review gluten free foods for companies is an evil thing to do!) When I added up my calories after dinner, my mouth hit the floor. I had done so well during the day... it wasn't until I was famished after the gym that I just munched, munched, munched mindlessly and added an additional 900+ calories to my day's total. That's over half of my daily calorie allotment. Which of course completely blew up my total calories for the day. I was so utterly frustrated with myself. I couldn't believe I had let my evening snacking/mindless eating get so out of control in ONE afternoon.

I'm going to work hard this month to reach my calorie & protein goals. I really want to get under the 200 lb. mark by April. I'd love to knock the socks off of my Nurse Practicer for my May appointment. That would be an awesome reward at the end of the month.

I think what makes this journey different than every other weight loss journey I've had in the past is that I'm NOT going to give up. I'm paying too much at the gym to give up! lol Seriously though, I know this is going to be hard... it is hard. I know it may take a year or more to reach my goal... but I WILL get there.

It may be a long struggle to conquer my bad eating habits, but I'm determined to make it a lifestyle. And I lived an unhealthy lifestyle for most of my adult years... so it won't change overnight... it won't change in a week... it won't change magically in a month... there will be a lot of steps backward on the journey forward. But I'll get there.

Don't give up. Eat more carrots. Be a Gym Hamster.

Gym Hamster - Week 4 Update

I am convinced a treadmill and/or recumbent bike is nothing more than a human hamster wheel. Of course hamsters run in hopes of not only exercising, but hoping they end up somewhere else... and really it's what you do on a treadmill too. You want to end up somewhere else. You want to be in a different place. For a while it seems absolutely silly. It certainly doesn't look like you're going anywhere... but you are. It's just slow. It takes a lotta miles on that treadmill (or my favorite recumbent bike) to actually see where you're headed.

Overall my weight loss has not yet been significant. I hope in the next few weeks to be below the 200 pound mark. And that will be awesome... then I'll start looking forward to getting below the 190 mark... but I know this will be a slow process. It can be all too easy to want to focus on the numbers when I know I'm making progress in other areas.

A major off-the-scale victory this week is my blood pressure... Literally the day before I started going to the gym my doctor started me on a 2nd blood pressure medication. Having to get on another medication was a serious wake up call. I was already extremely frustrated by my weight gain... but having to go on a 2nd blood pressure medication at 32 was just crazy. I HAVE to stop this cycle. I have too. I already have high cholesterol and high triglycerides. Those diagnoses along with being obese are primary indicators of metabolic syndrome. Meaning my body doesn't process sugars well... it's called being insulin resistant. You can read more about that here. Another common indicator of metabolic syndrome is diabetes...and I do NOT want to head down that road. So it's time to stop the cycle.

When I checked my blood pressure at the gym before exercising yesterday it was 117/79. That is the lowest it's been in YEARS. IT gives me real hope that I can eventually lose enough weight and get healthy enough to possibly get off the medication completely! And that's an off the scale victory I will celebrate!

I've been journaling my progress on a little blog called "Gluten Free Strawberry" feel free to read the blog if you'd like. It's more of a way for me to quietly journal and figure this thing out... and it's helpful. It also helps keep me accountable.

This week has been easier than I thought it would be. I've just been going to the gym. I don't even really think about it. It's also my date with Dr. Phil! :-P I listen to the show on my mp3 player while I'm exercising (we all need excuses to watch Dr. Phil right?) and I almost feel like it's really becoming just a habit. Just something I do during my week. Just another part of my daily schedule. And that is huge.

I really appreciate all of your support and prayers in this journey. I really couldn't do this without the support from so many friends & fellow bloggers. The support of my online community is amazing and I am so blessed! Thank you!

How's your week going?

Thoughtfully,
Carrie

Gym Hamster Recovers - Week 3 Update

Gym Hamster & hubs spent a LOT of time sleeping this week. Constant coughing, headaches, sinus pain and drainage, nausea... you name it we had it. Hubs actually is getting over a double whammy of bronchitis and pneumonia... so it's been a rough week for us. I haven't made it to the gym once... but that's okay. I'm ready to start again next week.

Honestly, I was scared to get sick. I thought if I get sick and I miss my "routine" of going to the gym, I'll never get back into it. That's it... I can't stick with anything once I break my "routine" I'm done for.

But through the whole time of being sick and now being on the mend... I know I'm not done for. Throughout this whole week, while I didn't go to the gym, I still was very careful about what I was eating. While I didn't write things down in my journal (which can be dangerous) I listened to my body. I ate only when I was hungry. I stopped when I was full. It was pretty amazing to me actually. I did have an afternoon when I REALLY wanted to munch and I wanted it to be chocolate... but I realized that I was just hungry since I hadn't eaten anything since an early lunch, so I had an apple with 2 measured tablespoons of peanut butter.  Craving gone. Solved. I listened.

I'm learning how to make this a lifestyle. What's so different about this approach to everything I've done in the past is that I'm seriously taking it step by step. Day by day. I'm changing small things, which lead to bigger things.

I know a 70 lb. weight loss is a LONG way away... I have an unofficial goal of hopefully meeting that number by next year. But more importantly I'm focused on the routine. Make it to the gym when you're well. Stay home when you're sick. Eat well regardless of how you feel. Listen to your body. Celebrate every tiny off-the-scale victory. You're worth it.

Thoughtfully,
Carrie

Gym Hamster - Week 2 Update

So I'm not exactly a "gym rat" yet... but we'll settle for gym hamster with itty bitty weights... I'm getting there.

It's week two. The novelty of the gym showers has worn off, but I do look forward to going! My goal is 3-4 days a week: 45 minutes of cardio each time + this week I'm adding a strength training routine for at least one day a week.

This gym has a cool system that tracks your progress & keeps a routine scheduled for you.. so basically you just have to show up and do it.

If anything, this is something huge I'm learning: Just show up. Don't think about it, don't question it. It doesn't matter if you don't want too.  Just do it. Nike makes a lot of money for a reason.

I've already had several days when I really haven't wanted to go. I'm tired. It makes my already busy life even busier... it means less time with my husband in the afternoons. It means meals are even simpler than they already were and not anything exciting. It means this week I haven't been able to keep up with those dishes that are always haunting me... but I also know eventually I'll figure it all out.

I know eventually I'll figure out how to balance all of it and it will eventually just become a way of life. But it doesn't happen immediately. I think most of my life I've expected "immediately."

Sign up for Erin's Newletter & Updates here: GlutenFreeFitness.com

One person who has really helped me over the past two months is Erin Elbertson of GlutenFreeFitness.com. She's been a constant email support. She's answered every question I've had. She's been my cheerleader & advisor. She's an amazing woman. I will soon be sharing my absolute praise for her & her gluten free nutrition and wellness program. I highly recommend her program if you need help getting your fitness & nutrition back on track. Trust me, it will be worth EVERY penny. Erin, I can't thank you enough my friend. You are such an inspiration to me.

So, as life changes, so will this website. I apologize in advance that I won't be able to update you with new recipes nearly as often as I have in the past... I will as I have time and as always, I'm ever thankful that you are reading, baking gluten free, and enjoying the recipes here. There will be more!

I hope you are all having a wonderful week!

Thoughtfully,
Carrie

New Month, New Challenge

I joined a gym.

There. I said. it. Now I have to do it. 

I had no idea how incredibly intimidated I would feel.

Before I was married I was a member at Curves. I even worked there for a short time. It was a great gym for women, but the work out was very routine and actually after a while I was a bit bored.

I know I need the intensity of a regular "gym." But at the same time this is one of the biggest hurdles I'm going to face. To get in there with fit, lean, healthy people and have to show the world how unfit I really am.

So here it goes... trainer session is next week... until then I have time to get more comfortable about being there. Thursday is day one.