Thursday, September 1, 2011


This year is about honesty. Honesty with who I am.

Sitting in my living room this evening, in my grandmother's hand-me-down pink 'La-Z-Boy' recliner. A cat is laying above my head on top of the furr-covered cushion looking out the window into the dark street.

Michael is washing dishes, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is being read aloud by Jim Dale on CD... The soft swishing of water being turned off, then on again as Michael rinses forks, knives, spoons, cast-iron skillets, and plastic lunch boxes.

I sit this evening in awe of my blessings. Of a house that didn't leak through Hurricane Irene (although a lot of sleep was lost worrying about it). Of an incredible husband who loves me... for me, even when it's hard. Of healthy cats who make me feel needed.

I've spent a lot of this year contemplating. Working through negative thoughts and attitudes. I've realized lately that I can have quite a low opinion of myself. Not purposefully. But that I can "talk" myself into being fearful, sad, frustrated, concerned, overly worried, stressed.... and even jealous.

The past few months I've been slowly coming to terms with a lot of my own character defects (thank you Overeaters Anonymous for cool terminology!) And one of my biggest faults is jealousy. I admitted that to myself a few months ago. And it wasn't easy. It was ugly. It was tear-filled with snotty tissues. Who wants to be that type of person?  I flat out looked at myself and're ruining your life being jealous of others. It happens so simply, so innocently. Feelings of inadequacy. And it's more than just a little green monster. It's a big monster. An angry monster. It's not pretty. Jealousy over the success of others. Jealousy over book deals. Jealousy over facebook "likes" and twitter followers. Jealousy over those who can lose weight without even trying (I realize they are few and far between - but it seems like they are everywhere in the midst of struggles!)

And really? Jealously sucks. Literally. It will suck the life out of you. So one of my goals for the remainder of this year is to find contentment. Just where I am. Just as I am.

So what does it mean to be content? For me it means acceptance. It means finding joy in the small moments... moments of dishes being washed by a loving husband. Accepting that losing 80 pounds in one year may have been a little too large of a goal -- and being thankful for the 17 pounds that have so far come off. It means letting go of fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of not meeting goals. Fear of failure.

Contentment is embracing the blessing of every. single. day. Not living in fear of what may or may not happen. Acceptance of the beauty of today.

The beauty of today.

Are you content? Are you blessed? How are you overcoming the internal struggles you deal with? What do you fear?

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